Bendy Andy's Pages: Donkeys

Some examples of absolutely genuine stupidity arounf the lab.

 Bit of a Cartoon

Donkeys

The Donkey Awawrd is the JFS Group's monthly award for incompetence and gross stupidity in the lab. The write-ups do not necessarily contain any truth, but this is entirely inconsequential. This section now contains the nominations from the donkey awards while I was the editor. Use the following to link to the month you want:

Feb 94, Mar 94, Apr 94, May 94, Jun 94, Jul 94, Aug 94, Sep 94, Oct 94, Nov 94, Dec 94, Jan 95, Dec95.

Aunty Lou: "She's got the key to the door..." The top international collaborative reaction was under high pressure, and the time arrived to relieve the little fellow. Oh dear, where could the key be? Not where it should be, thats for sure, not in the lab, not in Mac cinema. Perhaps it got mixed up with some snickers. One positive thing about this piece of incompetence is that it pissed off the "Fat B****** in a Bodywarmer"... In the Running ..4-1.

Giuseppe: Old favourite . Yes! It's the return of the THF still disaster. Not realising his lack of originality, the stylish Italian attempted distillation of the highly volatile solvent without bothering with the condenser. Upon realising his error he turned the water flow to maximum as if it could undo the damage, causing widespread flooding of the fumehood Disappointing first outing..30-1.

Christian: Rubber Trouble This peach among foolishnass requires no introduction. Christian was practically glistening with pride as he carefully conveyed his valuable catenane to the mass spec. department. Unfortunately, however, the huge crystal refused all attempts at dissolution, for his novel workup technique had replaced the mechanically interlocked molecule with a similarly coloured piece of rubber tubing. A word has not yet been invented to define this degree of incompetence... Hot Favourite..1-2.

Masumi: Mr. Gullible The next time anyone needs a bit of cash, Masumi's yer man. All you have to do is make up a totally inplausible story, like "they're charging £5 for each mass spectrum run now" (nice one Say) and Masumi will plunge the readies into the palm of your hand. What a nice man, but oh how foolish!...Outsider ...20-1.

Dario: Toxic Death Machine. After last months unsuccessful attempt at luring the babes to the Passini play pen, Dario was rather distraught, and was found writing out a chit for "potassium cyanide, 500g". In a later attempt to end it all (and everyone else in the lab.), he left his refluxing cyanide reaction at the front of his fully open fumehood without a condenser. All that was achieved was having to pay Waynes and Simons laundry bill for their underwear. A good build up for great things to come, but not this time ....40-1.

Cesare: Smashing time. It all seems to be getting a little too much for this Roman's hot blood. Having convinced all the people at a recent party that he is a Greek, the poor chap has even started to believe it himself. He was last seen practicing his after - dinner table manners with the lager pieces of glassware from that infamous 6-lab. Not bad, but far from recent form. Lame effort 100-1

Dario: Sodium dried water. ... Dario needed super- dry THF for his supramolecular reaction, so he turned to the magic still. Unknown to him, however, Santiago was in the process of cleaning it out, so it contained an aquious yellow sludge. It wasn't until he was transferring 100ml of the distilled solvent to his reaction vessel that his error was noticed. ... Not stupid enough...8-1.

JFS: Momentary lapse of cosciousness. ... Was it the flight back from L.A.? Was it the strain of an F.R.S.? Were his eyes closed in extreme concentration? Once, maybe, but can a repeat performance be a coincidence? ... A good chance...3-1.

Richard: Water problems. ... Richard has recently been dedicating time to the discovery of bizarre properties of water. First, in an incredible experiment with a rotavap, he attempted distillation at ambient pressure and temperature, and after claiming success, has been trying to find a new phase of water by heating a plastic ice bath on a hotplate. Perhaps it's all due to his self- anaesthesia with the chloroform eluant of his column. ... This is no sick joke, Richard...4-1.

George: Hg. Wales. ... Perhaps George should have the entire competition to himself this month. Anticipating the visit of the lovely Shannon, the chubby Canadian lost all sense of competence and spent half the afternoon chasing mercury around the 12-lab floor after breaking the manometer. At this point the poor chap also lost his mind, and was convinced that a passport was necessary for passage to Wales. Following this up with an overflowing MeCN still and over-enthusiastic magnetic stirring (leading to extensive cleaning up) of his (extremely expensive) platinum complex practically guarantee (?) his place in the hall of fame. ... Hot favourite...evens.

Christian: Forgetfulness ... After his landslide victory last month, Christian had to try for the double. Not only did he bring the waste solvent key back to the lab in his pocket, but promptly disappeared to the library all afternoon, oblivious of his blunder. ... outsider...10-1.

Marcos: Flask storage. ... We all know that the 6-lab has a serious space shortage, and it took altruistic Marcos to remedy the problem. The simple solution is to clear the cupboards and keep all the flasks in his fume cupboard. Of course, it would be more useful if they didn't all have crude reaction mixtures in them. ... Lame effort...50-1.

Dario: Big girl's blouse. ... 'Eee, lad, worra greet woofter. I ask ye, when as ye signs oop, like, fer footy, like, we expex yuz tae tarn oop wi'out complainin' uv nae poncy coold. Repeatin' the same fer t' basketball gayum oonly proouves the poyunt, mun. ... pathetic nancy-boy...10-1.

Steve: Lithal weapon. ... As a top international post-doc, Steve well knows the hazards involved in a bulk-scale LiAlH4 reaction, so he decided to do it in Phil's fume cupboard while the rest of the floor was deserted. What happened next is hazy due to the lack of witnesses, but there are definate reports of 'three explosions within half an hour' and '...wrecked the acetonitrile still'. The cheeky Aussie then failed to clean up the mess properly (probably suffering from selenium poisoning from an earlier mishap), leaving poor Phil to finish the job on his unsuspecting return. On cross-examination, Steve says 'Oh, that! It was nothing.', so watch out for better things to come... Could this man be the new J.P.? ... Strewth, mate, what a drongo...1-2.

Marios: NMR four-play. ... We are all aware of the highly volatile NMR situation at present, and obviously worried that he may not get another chance to submit a carbon, Marcos decided to do four on one night (despite the nine that were already down). ... sword of omens, give me stupidity beyond stupidity...7-1.

Masumi: Crystallographic evidence of half-mer. ... Can Masumi really be blamed? Armed with a phalanx of spectra and analyses, he sent his shiny new macrocycle down for crystallographic eiucidation, but, oh how foolish! On receipt of the structure, it was found not to be the expected supramolecule, but a novel half-meric analogue... only Masumi can do this...3-1.

Wayne: Total fabrication. ... Whilst resolving his new chiral carboxylate as the amphetamine salt, Wayne accidentally emptied 100g of the powerful drug into the 7th floor brew bucket. The next 3 days resulted in the synthesis of 53 new catenanes, the submission of 11 communications and 6 full papers, and a 500 page book by Dr. D.B. Amabilino consisting entirely of the word 'walrus'. Fraser is said to have been completely unaffected. ... absolute fiction...1,000,000-1.

Tex: Male chauvenism. ... For calling Dario a 'girl' when he was acting like a wet pansy (and was also picking up the above nomination). ... seems pretty reasonable to me...50-1.

Marcos: J. Ibid. Chem. Soc. ... Marcos should be commended, not ridiculed, for his attention to detail and dogged persuit of truth in The Literature. How was he to know that he was wasting the afternoon in the eternal search for the journal ibid. that he saw cited as a major reference? ... None but Marcos can offer such consistant incompetance, but is it enough?...7-1.

Olda: Cat on the Mat. ... A rare gem of ungainliness from someone who produces more new compounds in a week than most people do in their entire Ph.D. Who knows what was preoccupying the veteran's mind to cause a precious catenane to go tumbling destructively towards the ground ... Most likely the best we'll ever get from Olda...10-1.

Lluïsa: (Once, Twice,) Three times a Flood. ... Auntie Lou has been years watching and waiting her chance to take the donkey for her own. In true Mediterranian style, she made her move decisively with a total flood of the 12-lab by leaving a rotavap bath filling for half an hour. Disappointed at not setting the water alarms off despite the need for Wellingtons in entering the room, she repeated the stunt twice more, just to prove it was no mistake. ... A perfect display of half-wittedness, but is it enough for the Big One, or has she left the final sprint too late?...2-1.

Phil: Double Trouble. ... More like a three course meal of ineptitude. As a starter, Phil double-spaced the PC hard disk, losing valuable files (ask Phil why he did this). The main course doesn't bear a mention, and he topped it all off with a First Year Report consisting of a chain of colloquialisms and typing errors for dessert. Let's hope he doesn't order coffee. ... Too sick for a donkey...20-1.

Howard: Inorganic Chemistry. ... When W.A. decided to do his aqueous acidic reaction with a mechanical stirrer he wowwed the onlooking crowd, but when it turned a lovely shade of green, and failed to turn up the goods, they all began to wonder. No, it wasn't a problem in the literature procedure, but a gargantuan lack of foresight on the troubled third year's part to use copper wire in the stirring apparatus. ... At last the 8-lab's back in style...3-1.

Rich: Lazy B*****d. ... Oh, the excitement as I received a 'phone call in the Lab Office. But was it some throbbing babe? Oh, no, it was Richard 'phoning from his fume cupboard on the other side of the wall. Gaylord was so upset about the nomination that he wiped it off the board, but there's no escape for someone who drives the 400 metres to work rather than walking. ... Has he even got the energy to vote?...5-1.

Richard: Shipway* Rearrangement. ... It was with pride that Richard sent a 2,6-naphthalene derived catenane to (in his words) "some Italian bloke". However, when Prof. Balzani received the sample, it had mysteriously rearranged into the 1,5 analogue and lost its originally high purity. Unperturbed by his error, Richard instructed the world famous photochemist that this was just as exciting a compound to study and to purify it himself and stop whinging. One can understand how this happens to someone who spends all afternoon trying to assign a spectrum before realising that he had lent a collar to someone else and it is theirs ... a bookie's nightmare...6-1.

Simon: 3-Phase Column. ... Simon needed no break between his finals and getting right down to the crux of this supramolecular stuff. In fact, he has already developed a new chromatographic technique which involves the addition of water to the top of a crucial DCM column. In order to keep his secrets safe, the young pretender has marked his working space out with an OHP pen and issued severe warnings to anyone fool enough to dare place any glassware on the wrong side. ... good solid stupidity already after only a few days' work...6-1.

Marcos: Family Values. ... By the time Marcos gets the hang of this Coffee fund business, it'll be time to hand it on. First he came up with the world's smallest bounty bars, then capped it with bags of crisps which were each large enough to supply Staff House for a millenium (ready salted, too- yuk). As usual, the little Basquard has been trying to blame it all on Lynne. ... keep trying...6-1.

George: Entropic Fumehood. ... A rather lame nomination considering previous form. Perhaps George has been letting all this 'self-organisation' rhetoric go to his head, because when he went on holiday, that's exactly what he left his fumehood to do. ... still failing to relive former glory...6-1.

Wim: NMR Abuse. ... The NMR system is starting to work rather well now. Well, at least that was the the case until Wim came on the scene with his flagrant disregard for the rules concerning daytime carbons. Was it all an honest mistake, or were we taken in by the age old 'no speekee Engleesh' routine? ... a good first outing, but this donkey is a tough cookie to crunch...6-1.

Christian: FABMS Abuse. ... Lock up your spectra! Christian's on the loose with a whiteboard marker pen. When Christian gets excited about his chemistry he gets an urge to draw diagrams, and no surface is safe, so it was a foolish Pete who brought a nice clean FAB spectrum into the coffee room. A moment was enough to cover it with reams of potential supramolecular jigsaw pieces ... all the vagueness we have learnt to expect from the bespectacled frenchman...6-1.

Christian: Red and Blue ... While proudly touting his shiny self-assembled poster to the unsuspecting masses, Christian decided to impress a passing babe with his incredible knowledge of catenation chemistry. Unfortunately for the Winmine obsessed frenchman, it wasn't until he had explained the concept of 'red' and 'blue' at kindergarten level that he discovered the tottie he had randomly picked on was none other than Cristina Vicent, the genius manufacturer of the group's first mechanically interlocked molecule. ... Yet another feat of ultimate vagueness...5-1.

Pete: Mixed Ambitions. ... On reading the corridor-side posters of research interests on level 2, one might be interested by a reference to the journal J. Am. Chem. Soc. Chem. Commun. ... How did this make it past the all seeing eyes at the end of the corridor?...35-1.

Peter: Indecent Exposure. ... Top international chemical personality photographer Glinky has had a few camera problems before, so who could be surprised when the photos for the first day of the conference were all blank? Detailed analysis showed that the flaming drongo hoon had neglected to attach the film to the winding on mechanism. ... We might be laughing, but Glinky's raking in a fat wad from the delegates...30-1.

Steve: Buried Treasure. ... When going on holiday, follow a top post-doc's example. To avoid that all-important last-minute washing-up, hide all your dirty glassware behind some long-forgotten chemicals in a store-cupboard. Shame should only occur if a bright young postgrad should accidentally stumble across your secret stash. ... The spies never stop watching you...25-1.

Gunter: Free Contraception. ... A hot, hot day in the 12-lab, and the German with the well-rounded personality needed the pyridine he had been drying over molecular seives. Having poured off the solvent, he obviously didn't want to bother regenerating the expensive zeolite, so instead threw it in the waste paper bin along with it's toxic cargo which quickly filled the lab, threatening sterility to all who entered for the rest of the week. ... Yes, of course...20-1.

Say: Memory Problems. ... Seeing Professor Sessler looking bored, concerned Say asked George to make conversation with him as he had applied to him for a post-doc. Unfortunately, however, George had never seen the top international Supraman before, or he would have recognised the man Say pointed to as Prof. Zimmerman before he 'took an express service to embarrassment city central'. Later, after watching a programme about homeopathy, Say was convinced that water has a memory of solutes... Maybe this could have relevance to the previous mis-assignment of professor, water on the brain, perhaps? ... Hark, the angel of incompetance sings!...5-1.

Andy: Serious Grime Squad. ... It all started before the conference when instructions were circulated from on high to perform a bulk-scale tidy up. Left with a large bucket of dendron coated glassware, the Bristolian Bendyman followed the sterling example of certain Top International Postdocs and stowed it safely at the back of a little used cupboard. A conference, throat infection, and weeks later, Andy needed some particular equipment for his highly branched reaction, but where was it? It wasnÕt until everyone from Mother Theresa to Captain Kirk had been accused of grand theft that the bucket with itÕs gruesome load was discovered in hiding, and by this time it had reached so far up the evolutionary scale that it dissuaded the sexy young postgraduate from cleaning it for another week. ... No comment. An unknown quantity. ...x-1.

Lluïsa: Still Horror. ... Remember, kids: You canÕt escape the Donkey by running to Barcelona. When Lluïsa made her final blunder, allowing hot solvent to spew from the still bubbler, she thought she was safe. But despite the unoriginality of her incompetance, you canÕt look the other way. Forgetting the condenser has been done before, but Auntie Llu knows how to stamp her authority on the task and do it properly. ... You never know...10-1.

Howard: Third World Debt. ... Still not having won the prestigious Donkey, and running out of time, it seems that Howard made a desperate and contrived bid to take it by repeated payments into the coffee kitty from the Bank Of IOU. Although it may have seemed a merry jape to the happy trickster, his non-payment of £7.20 has single-handedly caused the collapse of several Brazilian coffee bean growers, and caused the crumbling of various South American governments and economies into states of severe civil war. ... It all went so terribly wrong...5-1.

Chris: Fumehood Testing. ... Worried that the 7th floor fumehoods have less pulling power than Richard after 10 pints and a curry, Dr. Brown decided to test them by heating an oil bath to the point of spontaneous oxidation and seeing how far away he could get complaints from. Sure enough, he managed to make the whole floor smell like a skunkÕs armpit, but not content, he continued the experiment for the whole afternoon. ... An inventive and original first outing. ...15-1.

Angus: Dirty Rascal. ... The secret of AngusÕ cheesy smile may be becoming evident since he was seen coming out of PennyÕs with several eminent members of staff ... Ônuff said. ...20-1.

TLC: Cliff Richard Movie ... It seems that some people have forgotten what they do for a living. Certain people, filled with the lust of summer, hired a london bus and decided to tour europe for three months looking for Una Stubbs, and sending unintelligible postcards back about Golems and suchlike obscurities. ... Is it stupidity, artful cleverness, or my jealousy?. ...50-1.

Howard: Consistant Competence. ... How can it be that in three years this darling of the infamous 8-lab has still failed to make the donkey his own? Though titillated by countless nominations, his ineptitude was eclipsed first by the Tex & Preece ÔDream TeamÕ, and then by the fresh young stupidity brought in from overseas. However (a good word to start a sentence with), he hasn't gotten away with it yet. Join with me and give him that prize he most covets and deserves. After all, it's no secret that H is what we have come to know as ... a Donkey...evens.

Jürgen: You Don't Want to Do it Like That. ... Jürgen is an excellent teacher, and the prospect of a First Year Summer Student filled him with pride. Demonstrating every procedure with great care, Jürgen came to the vac. line. As the poor young beginner had made a little mess, Jürgen showed him the proper way... to suck your valuable product into the solvent trap. In order to show it was no mistake, he then repeated the fiasco to the delight of lab-mates who watched their vac-line getting filled with yellow shite again. ... In with a chance...6-1.

Andy: Combined Honours. ... After bringing Christmas early with the help of a light ÔnÕ fluffy tree-like molecule, it came time to reduce the product (the bit that hadn't been spread over the lab). Foolishly deciding to add the LithAl as a suspension, Dendyman added warm THF to a conical flask containing ca. 5g LiAlH4. This caused a highly exothermic reaction which spread the active hydride over fumehood, reaction apparatus and hands. In order to remove the corrosive solid from his flesh, Andy put his hands under running water ... Could have happened to anyone...7-1.

Giuseppe: Jet Propulsion. ... And so it came to pass that Don Gattuso needed a supramolecular storage vessel for his top international solvent system. The requirements were perfectly met by an almost empty ether bottle that seemed userless, so the dodgy Sicilian decided to remove the unwanted remnants. Unfortunately the foolish king of incompetance reckoned that the best method was a quick blast from the heat gun. What resulted was indeed a quick blast, but not of the nature or controllability that Giuseppe had invisaged. ... Highly original...5-1.

Marcos: The Dam Busters. ... Getting a little over-excited about his favourite artistic medium, and trying to recreate a scene from a famous masterpiece for the enjoyment of the 6-lab occupants, the Basque twit had a mental abhorration and attempted a reconstruction of the Ôbouncing bombÕ scene. Perhaps luckily for the onlookers, powerful explosives were not at hand, so the non-Spaniard used a winchester of ethyl acetate (full), which made a sterling substitute, although removing the varnish off the floor and requiring the evacuation of the laboratory. ... A good bet...4-1.

Simon: The Terminator. ... So busy is the Pieman with clerical tasks, that he seems to have completely forgotten any chemistry he might have known. After a rather messy ÔmistakeÕ with a bulk scale iodination, the steak & kidney eating fellow had several kilos of iodine and conc sulfuric acid to dispose of. He spent the afternoon performing highly interesting reactions in the sink, but finally got bored with this form of entertainment, so flushed the whole sorry mess into BirminghamÕs water supply to the delight of the local aquatic life. ... Next time stick to cheese & onion pies, Simon...7-1.

Christian: Toxic Discharge ... One fine morning, while I was running my column, a loud foghorn bent my ears. The next thing I knew the members of the 12-lab were fleeing, choking past my door. No, a low flying ocean cruiser hadnÕt crashed into the building. Instead, the wide scale confusion had been caused by a furious bottom-burp from the bumbling froggie. All this after wrecking the high pressure apparatus by ignoring the failing seal ... In with a chance...4-1.

Chris: Optimising Conditions ... Conducting a dangerous experiment is nothing to ÔFearlessÕ Brownie. He eats them for breakfast. Frequently. In this case, however, an exciting ÔpopÕ greeted his ears. Now interested, this Duke of Incompetence bulked the reaction up, leaving out the stabilising ingredient. Oh, masterpiece of mistakes, now all that was needed was a stir with a spatula (opening the reaction to the atmosphere) to optimise the explosive potential to great effect, wrecking the apparatus and turning the perennial postdocÕs underpants a colour to match his name. Surely this is only the start of the many great things to come ... Dead cert. Sure thing. Boom boom...evens.

Bendy: Wrong project. ... Oops! Andy seems to have accidentally created a new chemical warfare agent. Recent research has led to a dendritic precursor which bears a striking resemblance to mustard gas, and is probably highly toxic/irritating/carcinogenic. ... Space filler. The compound in question is a highly useful dendritic monomer. Any resemblance to any CW agent is entirely coincidental ...10000000000000000000000000000000000000000-1.

???: Solvent Spout. ... While an unnamed top international post(grad/doc) was using a large separating funnel on his/her highly coloured compound, he/she decided to release the pressure through the tap. It would have worked if the funnel had been inverted adequately, but unfortunately this was not the case, and the silly fool sent a stream of inky solvent arching into a lab-mateÕs doomed notebook. Of course, we donÕt know who he/she is, and my sources must be kept anonymous, but arrangements can be made. ItÕs good to see an entry from the ÔMasked IncompetentÕ after such a long break. ... Can he/she win it (at last/again)? I wouldnÕt bet against it...3-1.

Bernd: Under pressure. ... As the JFS group moves into the 21st century, new, exciting techniques are opening up before us, and bringing their own new brands of stupidity. If Bernd had checked the pressurised vesselÕs integrity before firing it up, it may not have exploded during the weekend, vapourising everything in the near vicinity with a powerful glassy schrapnel ... Not bad, but only one explosion, and he wasnÕt even there when it blew...10-1.

Gunter: Pyridine II: The return. ... Rumour has it that Gunter is going for the donkey again. It worked last time, but now pyridine is passé. Having already sterilised the men of the 12-lab, he attempted the same with the unlucky 6-lab (and with their pyridine). ... Outsider...15-1.

Richard: Pistols at dawn. ... Although Richard would have us believe that this story is connected with a woman called Dawn, nothing is farther from the truth. In fact, the incompetent fool disconnected the fragile bulb of the drying pistol without bothering to support itÕs weight. The expensive glassware tumbled to the ground, where it shattered into a thousand pieces, which sparkled gently in the golden light of late afternoon as a memorial to itÕs once beautiful whole. ... eh?...15-1.

Bernd: Burned. ... The classic lithal blunder makes itÕs way to the nominations yet again, and with another new twist. This quick-to-criticise German-type person demonstrated the way not to handle the new packaging in his interesting method of disposal. This involved large amounts of methanol sprayed liberally onto the highly active compound. The resulting fire seemed to come as a surprise, and it now seems that rumours of German efficiancy are rather exaggerated. ... non-starter...11-1.

Dario: Reverse evaporation. ... Generally, the use of a rotavap is concerned with the removal of a solvent from an involatile compound. Dario, however, has never been one to follow the crowd, and when a fault in a suction pump was discovered, he was first to step in and exploit it to his advantage. The pump was sucking water into the rotavap rather than the other way around, and knowing this, the space-head spaghi-eater put his product on and filled it with water. ... not this time...11-1.

M & G: Stupid eediot. ... We all know the story. Mid-evening: Marcos and George, conspirators in an orgy of disasterous irresponsibility, locked lab without passifying a gushing rotavap. 1 am: Phone calls from security personnel, alerted by the screaming flood alarms wake eminent (and not-so-eminent) members of staff from happy slumber. 9:30 am: The unprofessional idiots are revealed! Very high on public effect, but ... itÕs been done before- and in more style (June Ô92)...7-1.

Gunter: S tSetreeroegorgarma?m ?. ... Who can fault hard graft and refusal to give up in the face of failure? Gunter once again showed his mettle when he became determined to learn the secret of the stereogram. For hours he tried staring in all the ways people had suggested, but it was never going to work for the poor sausage. Unfortunately, the two images he was attempting to combine were of different molecules, so the task was somewhat weighted against him ... could it be?...8-1.

Jay: Death wish II. ... The cowboyesquity of this crime is only equalled by itÕs seriousness. As a complement to his legally dubious benzidine chemistry, Jay has been playing powder-puffs with mercuric cyanide. While measuring out a city-sized dose of toxicity (on the bench), his 500ml flask came unbalanced from itÕs 2 cm diameter ÔstandÕ, sending plumes of powdered death into the 12-labÕs working atmosphere. No one has dared enter to search for bodies yet. ... fav....4-1.

Marcos: Chair of Organic Chemistry. ... The very prospect of staffing second year tutorials sent a grin to MarcosÕ face and a fire to his loins. When the sure-fire chick harvest turned out to be little more than an educational exercise in the interest of increasing the undergraduate knowledge of The Science, however, the Bolshy Basque apparently decided to sabotage the exercise by making a farce of the marking. MarcosÕ ÔcorrectionsÕ were less legible than the original scripts, and some of his chair diagrams clearly showed five carbons in the cyclohexane ring. ... A definite maybe...9-1.

Jürgen: Dodgy Moustache. ... Last week I was just leaving the lab at almost midnight when I heard a rustling noise coming from JürgenÕs fumehood. When I turned to look, I saw a small black caterpillar setting up a polymer-type reaction. As soon as it saw me it ran and hid in a 500ml flask, but it was too late. The next thing I knew, the jolly German ran in, shouting ÒHalten Sie!Ó, ÒNatürlichÓ, and ÒDonner und BlitzenÓ. At first I didnÕt recognise him without the umlaut he nomally keeps above his top lip, but when he said ÒYou vill tell novun off ziss, yes?Ó, there was no mistaking him. Jürgen leaves the group in a few days, so join with me in stiching up the Jerry kraut so he can touch the award before he departs. ... Has he finally done it?...Bookies believe it so no bets are being taken (VOTE FOR JÜRGEN).

Simon: X-Ray Spex. ... After talking with WDO about chemical synthesis and characterisation before modern techniques, Stressman decided to see if he has what it took in those days. At least that is the only reason I can see for his attempted characterisation of a product by discussing its appearance for a whole afternoon when he could have asked the NMR oracle. (Unless he really does have X-ray crystallographic spectacles. Give your crystals to Simon, everyone. HeÕs much faster than DW, but unfotunately is not recognised by JACS.) ... Classic foolishness. ...10-1.

Dario: Supra Glue. ... Dario has recently been conducting experiments towards finding the smelliest reaction in the world and spreading it up the rotavap. Last week he found his grail, and whatÕs more, it was a yucky black colour. On transferring the contents of the reaction vessel, though, a drop fell on the stirrer/hotplate, and in the true tradition of science, a historic discovery was serendipituosly made. The aluminium mantle spontaniously welded to the hotplate with such strength that repeated hammer strikes could not budge it. ... Pretty good, pretty good. ...8-1.

Andy R: Yellow Christmas (and a Smelly New Year). ... At last the Philp group have started doing chemistry the JFS way! Or are they just emulating their mentor? Andy has been particularly productive. First, and apparently in order to reduce his yield to below 101%, he spread the majority of it over everything he could find. Now with his appetite whetted, he submitted an NMR... without bothering to use deuterated solvent, and finally he exposed the entire floor to a tortuous dose of ethanoic anhydride, while claiming Òwell, I canÕt smell anythingÓ ... Only the start of three years of plonkerness. ...8-1.

Rainer: Deskhog. ... More a final fare-thee-well to a veteran of the group and past Donkey himself (May 1992), but Rainer gets in the chart for reducing my desk space for the last several weeks. ... Remember, people: never cross The Editor, or you'll pay....100-1.

Marcos: Driving Without a Licence. ... Little explanation is needed here. It was just before Christmas when the non-Spaniard with a haircut like a brillo pad needed nitrogen asap. Not one to mess around, he fitted the trolley with a Lotus V-12 turbo engine and screeched off the start line. Unfortunately, he came unstuck on the first corner when he uncontrollably careered into unsuspecting Norma who was leaving the lab. office and unaware of the route of the new Formula N2 track. Marcos earns his usual place in the nominations by the irreperable damage of her foot. Stop Press! Just in, more Mediterranian misadventure: It appears that by running an ether column during the fumehood shutdown, Marcos has been trying to anaesthetise the roof workmen while they perform their highly dangerous job. Never underestimate a BasqueÕs ability to cock up any task, no matter how simple...5-1.

Chris H: Missing Ingredients. ... Double Donkishness for the dorkbrain Deutsher this month with his unforgivable forgetfulness paralleled only by childish optimism. Christoph was proudly showing off the vigerosity of stirring in his flask to all onlookers... until one of them pointed out that the flask did not actully contain a stirrer bead, and the contents were motionless. He followed this by a theatrical entrance to the lab office with a problem NMR. What was the mystery peak? Where were the expected signals? Clearly, the NMR tube had never even sniffed the compound of interest, and the ÔmysteryÕ was in fact a mile high acetone peak. Needless to say, Christoph was more than a little Pistoph...6-1.

Masumi: Spectral Oversight ... In a rush to submit new papers to Angewandte Chemie, Masumi has been attempting novel reactions in magnetic fields. First, using mass spec, he apparently tried to perform a rearrangement, as when he submitted the same sample twice, he was not only adamant that the two compounds were different, but was also unable to account for the similarities between the two spectra. After this failure, he moved to NMR, where he achieved phenomenal success. Upon entering the magnetic field, the sample Masumi assures us was in D2O spontaneously underwent nuclear rearrangement to CD3CN as shown by the spectrum. This reaction almost certainly released high energy neutrons and g-radiation, and Masumi was last seen shouting "cold flusion:" and making a run for the patent office. Nosing ahead into the final furlong...4-1.

Gunter: Volatile Situation. ... Or perhaps, ÒDrying Solvents in a Vacuum OvenÓ. Glamourous Gunter recognised that his compound was still contaminated by some solvent, and decided to act. Rather than the usual method of rotary evaporation though, he went straight for the vacuum oven with his dilute solution. On returning in the morning, he was puzzled by finding his flask empty. Closer examination revealed that his novel TTF-type product was now adsorbed as a thin film on the oven walls. ...12-1.

Andreas: Constipation. ... Trying to clean out a rotavap tube with a paper towel, the foolish chap got it stuck, and broke the labÕs supply of stirring rods trying to get it out. I am reliably told that ÒLuckily Chris got to him before he got to the sulfuric acid.Ó Incompetence is not confined to the JFS group...20-1.

Bendy: Orange Bomb. ... Named after a now extinct item of confectionary from the 1970s, this nomination concerns 40g of lithal, 140g of a triester, 1.5L of THF, and several pairs of brown trousers. While employing the careful addition of starting material to lithal suspension, Andy failed to notice the crust that had formed on top of the lithal, and continued to add compound. This led finally to a layer of highly reducable starting material (140g in 750ml) precariously balanced above a highly reducing layer (40g lithal in 750ml), and all at a rather hot temperature. When the inevitable happened, the total volume was reduced by several hundred mls, which dispersed itself over the fumehood and also blew back into the nitrogen line, which promptly dissolved. However, the reaction eventually produced a massive 65g of product (an 80% yield)...15-1.

Glinky: Brainless Tw*t. ... What kind of an idiot ponces all the way down to London to visit the Spanish consulate without checking whether its open or not? Duh, An Aussie one that needs a damn good haircut ... Bottom. Willie. Big smelly poos. Arse. ... p-1.

Say: Water on the Brain. ... Not content in making a fool of herself in the dizzy belief of waterÕs ÔmemoryÕ, Say is now challenging the first law of thermodynamics. But itÕs true, itÕs true. It is now possible to extract energy from water for nothing. Lucky that one didnÕt come up in the viva ... Personally I think itÕs just plain old cold fusion... e-1.

Masumi: Limp Nomination. ... Masumi didnÕt really do anything, but were a bit short of nominations. Oh, yeah, and he locked himself out of his house for four days, too. ... But weÕd all like to know what he was getting up to with that ginger chick in Spain, and also why he wouldnÕt let us see the photos. From what I hear, this nomination isnÕt the only thing thatÕs limp now... i-1.

Robbo: Dereliction of duty. ... Last thing before George (bow down before the name of the past Editor) left, he made sure that somone was there to take the ball and chain that is the Editorship. Unfortunately, The Chosen One, one Andy Robertson, was too much of a lazy b*stard to bother, and went on a skiing holiday insead. ... So blame him for my shite write-ups... banana-1.

Cesare: Complete dumbass. ... Slamming the car door for a nice night in the pub, Cesare momentarily lost connection with his brain and dropped his keys down a drain. Not to let the drama stop there the incorrigible Italian then spent half an hour peering into the gloom and fishing arounrd with a stick in a vain attempt to recover the lost articles. ... Clint Eastwood rides into town... Ã-1.

You: Rediculously Incompetent Behaviour. ... ThereÕs no point in denying it. I am perfectly well aware that you have done something so bloody stupid that the Queen Mum wouldnÕt be able to avoid a smirk. Luckily for you (you thought), no one noticed, but now itÕs payback time. And thereÕs no point in feeling quietly complacent. ItÕs a commonly known fact that everybody secretly votes for themselves, so youÕre bound to win. So put that in your reaction and reflux it. ... Praise the lord! IÕve finished the write-ups. Now vote, you cretins... all-1 (and 1-all).

This homepage was compiled courtesy of Bitspace Ltd. Or go back to my homepage.

BendyAndy made this